"This is celebrated on the weekend coming closest to the real midsummer day, 24th of June. A mass exodus takes place just before with thousands of Swedes evacuating the towns and cities and heading for their weekend cottages in the country. They erect a maypole, erect being the operative word as in fact it is a pagan symbol of fertility. It looks like a long thing with two round dangly bits! They dress it up in leaves and flowers (the maypole, that is) and then spend the afternoon dancing around it pretending to be small frogs. It’s true.

Swedes eat new potatoes and pickled herring (of course). Before long, it is not only the herring which is pickled as they do end to imbibe large quantities of beer and akvavit. No wonder they dance like frogs afterwards. Another important dish on the menu is fresh strawberries and cream. No foreign watery, tasteless EU-regulated strawberries, but large, curvy, juicy, sweet Swedish ones."

Försöker komma fram till vilket midsommarfirande jag tyckt bäst om. Jag tyckte om år 2008, då jag firade med kusin i Smögen. Idylliskt landskap och ett Baden som var på G, men utan både sill, nubbe och nypotatis, då butikerna hade stängt när jag anlände. 2005 i Therese stuga pratade vi länge om, men jag tror att jag har förskönat den upplevelsen; för hur kul kan jag ha haft när jag var sjuk i körtelfeber? Midsommar 2007 ska vi inte prata om, då jag spenderade halva kvällen i en fallgrop. 2006 var bra. Ett trettiotal "nära" kompisar samlade på landet, med vädret på vår sida, midsommarstång, pool, obefintlig sömn och alldeles lagom mycket intriger för en 16-åring. Imorgon firar jag midsommar hos min granny med några låtsas-svenskar och några icke-svenskar. Jag tror att imorgon kommer att bli en favorit.

"The Swede is a person of few words.

Eng: Excuse me, I didn’t quite catch what you were saying.

Swe: Va? (vah?)

Literal translation: What?

Eng: Sorry for bumping into you like that. So terribly

clumsy of me.

Swe: Oj! (oi!)

Literal translation: Oh!

Eng: It’s you! How lovely to see you!

Swe: Nej, men! (nay men)

Literal translation: No, but!

Eng: How are things with you?

Swe: Annars? (an ass)

Literal translation: Otherwise?

Eng: Excuse me, may I disturb you for a second?

Swe: Du

Literal translation: You

Eng: Could I have a pint of your best bitter please.

Swe: En stor stark

Literal translation: A big strong one

Eng: Shall we treat ourselves and indulge in a schnapps?

Swe: En liten djävul? (en liten yayvull)

Literal translation: A little devil?

However sometimes English is just that bit more concise:

Eng: Mind the gap!

Swe: Tänk på avståndet mellan vagn och plattform när ni

stiger av.

Literal translation: Think of the gap between the carriage

and the plattform when you alight."

"Yes, Sweden has its fair share. But they are not enough. ’Swedes are world best’ (one of their favorite phrases) at finding excuses for not being at work. They created the ’squeeze day’, explained once by a Swede as ’a day squeezed in between a holiday and a weekend. We have worked for it, so it’s not a free day really’. Translated this means that if there is a public holiday on, say, the Thursday then they don’t think it’s worth going into work just for one day before they’re off again at the weekend. The Friday, in this case, is a squeeze day. They accumulate time by working four minutes extra every day so they reckon it’s not a holiday but time off in lieu of the overtime. Get it?

If they are lucky, the Swedes can enjoy what can only be described as a ’squeeze week’ during the first week of May. There’s the weekend, then a squeeze Monday as Tuesday is the 1st of May and a public holiday. Hopefully Ascension Day falls on the Thursday so it’s no good going to work on the Wednesday and the Friday is squeezed between Thursday and Saturday and before you know it it’s already the following weekend."

"Governments in Sweden have spent years convincing Swedes that their money isn’t really their own. But the Swede is a person of great initiative and has developed a few ways of keeping a few crowns for himself. Nobody is allowed to get rich. If people in other countries see someone drive round in a flashy sports car, they may exclaim ’Wow! What a cool guy!’ In Sweden they’ll say ’What a tax-dodger’."

"Swedes call this ’cold talk’ or ’dead talk’ which more or less sums up their opinion of it. Not being first in the queue when God dished out conversational talent, Swedes limit themselves to one major topic of conversation - the weather. Sweden is so large that it has all kinds of weather at once which is very convenient as there is always something to talk about."

"Invited to dinner - 1

They take the paper off a bunch of flowers before they ring the doorbell of their hosts for the evening. It’s rather like unwrapping a Christmas present before you give it to someone. Nobody ever knows where to put the paper once they’ve screwed it up. Usually the hostess end up taking it. A bunch of pretty flowers in one hand and a soggy, screwed up piece of wrapping paper in the other.

Invited to dinner - 2

The person sitting next to you at the dinner table will offer you a lump of butter on a wooden knife. It is not some ancient superstitious Viking ritual whereby the knife has to be passed once round the table. It’s quite simply the height of politeness to offer your neighbor some butter on a knife. What you do if there’s not enough butter on the knife or if there is some left over, goodness knows. But there’s no need to pass it on to the next person as he’s busy handing butter to someone else.

Invited to dinner - 3

Swedes are very polite guests. They show much appreciation for the food. They guess the ingredients, enquire how it was cooked, wonder where the ingredients were bought and ask how long it needed in the oven. In fact, most guests ask for the recipe and this is the greatest of compliments. They eat and mutter ’This was good’ which is rather strange as they are still eating it."

"When Swedes say something, they mean exactly what they say. No more, no less. There is usually no hidden meaning and they don’t have to read between the lines. There are few fantastic metaphores in daily conversation, and exaggeration, a string of vivid adjectives and enhancing repetitions are often viewed with suspicion. Try retelling something that happened and embroider a little to make the story more stimulating. After a while the Swede will correct you  as your version is beginning to stray from what really happened. ’And then there were loads of people who’, ’There were five people’ says Sven. ’And then after half an hour they came and’, ’20 minutes’ says Sven ’They came after 20 minutes’. Elaborate story-telling has never been possible in Sweden.

Swedes are extremely good listeners. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell whether they are thinking about what you said or if they have mentally gone  to lunch - but they are listening to every word. The marvelous thing is they don’t interrupt. Interrupting is a sign of bad manners. They patiently wait for their turn to express themselves concisely and precisely. Sometime they have to wait for rather a long time. Especially when meeting with foreigners.

Swedish women sometimes sound as if they have a breathing complaint. When they agree, they breathe in and say ’jahhhh’. Or they inhale and say ’nejhhhh’. They are not about to pass out in an asthma attack. They are just participating in the conversation.

Swedes have a tendency to state the obvious. If you meet an acquaintance in a shop he’ll probably say ’Oh, so you’re out shopping’. Or, if you meet somebody you know out strolling in the countryside he’ll say ’Oh, so you’re out walking’. The temptation is to say ’No, I’m playing the piano’ but don’t. Sarcasm doesn’t go down too well."